Angry, bitter, not forgiving?
Fired by a real estate client
At the beginning of our church plant I worked in real estate. One client asked for a lot of my time, and I thought I was serving her well — but then she fired me because she wanted to work with a different agent.
This ended up costing me time, money, and reputation among other real estate agents. I was angry, bitter, and did not want to forgive.
But when Peter asks how many times he should forgive someone, Jesus’ answer is “seventy times seven” — 490 times (Matt 18:22). Which means we should forgive and never stop forgiving.
That sounds impossible. Because forgiveness involves a change of heart so that instead of angrily desiring her harm, I now compassionately desire her good. How is that possible?
Jesus tells us how
In Matthew 18:21-35 Jesus describes a servant who is angry because he is owed 100 denarii (100 days wages, according to D. A. Carson’s “Matthew” commentary). He is out a chunk of money because someone borrowed it and hasn’t paid him back.
But this same servant owes his master ten thousand talents (over a billion dollars, according to D. A. Carson). And because he can’t pay it back, he’s going to be sold into slavery along with his wife and children.
But he pleads with his master to give him time to repay, and his master does the unthinkable — he forgives the billion dollar debt.
Imagine. At one moment you owe a billion dollars, with no chance of paying it back, so your family will be separated and sold off into the horrors of slavery. But the next moment you owe nothing — and your family can stay together in the comforts of home.
But then this slave goes and finds the slave who owes him 100 denarii and threatens to throw him in prison if he doesn’t pay up.
When the king hears, he throws that slave into prison until he pays the billion dollars. Then Jesus concludes; “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from the heart” (v.35).
We have a billion-dollar gain
This parable teaches that what enables us to forgive is the billion-dollar gain we have in Christ.
Here’s how this works. When I am angry with someone it’s because they have caused me loss. This sense of loss stirs my anger and I want to hurt them to even the scales.
Since I’m angry over my loss, the only way to get rid of the anger is to take away the pain of the loss. But how can that happen? Only by me receiving a massive gain.
See, if after my real estate client fired me I won $10 million dollars in the lottery, I would not have been angry, because the loss my client cost me would have been more than compensated by the gain of the $10 million.
But I was angry. Which showed that I was only feeling the loss my client cost me — and was not feeling the infinite gain I had in Christ.
So to forgive I needed the Holy Spirit to change my heart so I could feel the infinite gain of having Christ — a gain that far surpassed whatever loss my ex-client cost me.
Here’s the steps I took which God used to bring about this heart-change –
I turned to trust Christ just as I was, unforgiveness and all.
We should not try to make ourselves good enough so we deserve coming to Christ, because we can’t.
That’s why He invites us to come to Him just as we are, saying “God, be merciful to me, a sinner” (Luke 18:13-14).
I confessed my sinful unforgiveness to Him.
My unforgiveness was sin, because my unforgiveness showed that I was not trusting Christ as my lottery-sized treasure. Instead I was trusting the tiny treasures of time, money, and reputation that this client cost me.
So I confessed to Jesus that I had turned from Him to trust something else as my all-satisfying Treasure. I asked Him to forgive me. I thanked Him for His death which paid for my guilt, and His perfect life which covered all my sin.
As I trusted Him as Savior, I was assured that I was completely forgiven and that the Father was firing up the barbecue for the fattened calf (Luke 15:23-24).
I prayed earnestly for the Father to increase the work of the Spirit in me.
This is crucial, because apart from the Spirit’s supernatural work, my heart wouldn’t change. I prayed the promise of Luke 11:13 — that God will give the Spirit to all who ask Him.
I set my heart on Scriptures describing Jesus Christ, and prayed that God would enable me to feel the massive gain I had in Him.
I pondered gains such as
- knowing a God who is fulness of joy forever (Psa 16:11);
- forgiveness of all my sins past, present, and future (Rom 4:6-7);
- a Savior who will always satisfy my every heart thirst in Himself (John 6:35);
- a God who will guide me in every decision (James 1:5), provide for my every need (Mat 6:33; Phil 4:19), strengthen me for every task (Phil 4:13);
- an eternity beholding the Infinite Glory of God with all the Redeemed (Rev 21:21-22).
I continued praying over these and other Scriptures until I felt the Holy Spirit changing my heart.
Slowly my heart changed. My sense of Christ’s worth grew. My feelings of loss were comforted, and then overshadowed, by the gains I saw that I had in Christ.
My heart went from feeling empty, to feeling full in knowing and loving Jesus.
And when my heart became full in knowing Jesus, I was able to let go of my anger, and I started to feel love and concern for my ex-client.
Anger and forgiveness
When I am angry at someone, it’s because I believe that what they cost me is more satisfying than Jesus Christ. Forgiveness depends on fighting the fight of faith until the Holy Spirit changes my heart — and I feel that the satisfaction I have in Christ is infinitely superior to anything anyone has taken from me.
I do not say that lightly.
Some of you reading this have experienced losses that make mine look tiny. But what Jesus teaches in Matthew 18 is true: the gains you have in Him are infinitely more satisfying than anything anyone has taken from you.
You may not feel that now. But by God’s power you will. Turn to Christ as you are, confess your unforgiveness, cry out for the work of the Spirit, and set your heart on the truth of who Christ is. He will break in to your heart and love you, satisfy you, help you. He promises (John 6:35).
Comments? Feedback? Pushback?
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And here’s some related posts you might find helpful –
- This Morning’s Battle With Jealousy.
- How Can We Obey The Golden Rule?
- Will-Power vs. Spirit-Power.
- How the Holy Spirit Enables Us to Obey.
(Picture is from asianjournalusa found at everystockphoto.com.)
I like this, but when wronged, it is also Biblical to speak up about the wrong, confronting the person and depending on their response, you may need to protect yourself from future harm…
These two actions also lead to forgiveness, as you are using anger’s energy constructively …. to rebuke a person in need of rebuke and possibly stay away from dangerous people who may hurt you more seriously in the future… this is also in Mathew 18… this is need in combination with your very helpful advice…
Hi JB,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
You are right about speaking to others, and the need to protect yourself from future harm. That’s an important, and wise, addition to what I wrote above.
My focus was just on how to change my heart so I am no longer vengeful, bitter, and seeking their harm — and instead am feeling peaceful, loving, and concern for them.
One that’s happening I’ll be in a better place to prayerfully decide if I should talk with them or not, and what the substance of that conversation should be.
So — thank you for your wise addition to what I wrote above.
Steve
Also, I can be very angry at someone without wishing them harm… but only wishing that they were aware of the harm that they caused by me telling them, and wishing (if needed) to keep a safe distance from them in the future.
You are right — there’s nothing wrong with wishing they were aware of the harm, and (if necessary) wishing to keep a safe distance from them.
But are you sure that “anger” is the right word to describe those desires? When I think of anger I think either of righteous indignation (which is a good thing), and a passion to harm them (which is not).
But again — thanks for sharing your helpful thoughts!
This blog and the responses are very helpful. I am dealing with a very unforgiving spirit and want to be free of it and the anger. I have been telling myself that I need a miracle, something to change my heart. Coming across this blog, I hope will move me in the right direction. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your heart, mr. There’s no easy or quick or 1,2,3 step answers.
But through turning to Jesus, and fighting the fight of faith to trust Him, we will — in time — experience the Holy Spirit miraculously changing our hearts.
What helps me is to come to Jesus needy and poor, and to set my heart on all that I have in Him. When I pray over the riches of His forgiveness, His love, His presence, His peace, His promises — I see that I have so much in Him that my earthly losses are comforted. May you experience that as you seek Him.
I am praying for the miracle you long for — please keep me posted.
Steve
For me it’s always a balance between Matt 5:39 and John 18:22-23. I don’t think God calls us to be a doormat. When Jesus was struck, he did two things; He pointed out the injustice that occurred and He didn’t take personal revenge (although we know he could have unleashed angels on that man). The two verses above address our sinful desire to retaliate and but show us that we can point out injustices and even angrily address them (as Jesus seems to do in many other verses as well) without sin.
Wasting someone’s time and then dragging their reputation down is wrong. But as you pointed out, harboring bitterness is equally as wrong. I might argue that confronting the first wrong (lovingly) might have solved both. Our California culture is so live and let live, we sometimes lose the opportunity to take the stand for what’s right. Most people have a conscience about things (the law written on their hearts) and when you point out the wrong, they get it. These things can become a powerful opportunity to show grace to those who despitefully use us – especially if it’s coupled with love and forgiveness.
It’s always a joy to hear from you, Bill. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
I agree that there’s many times when we need to lovingly but firmly confront the wrong. I took that step with my real estate client.
But that showed me how it’s crucial to first bring my loss to the Father and have Him heal and fill and satisfy me in Himself. Unfortunately, I went to my client hoping to gain some heart-satisfaction from this person’s remorse over the wrong they had done. But they showed no remorse. They saw nothing wrong. And as a result, I said some things I should not have said — and then left.
So my approach is to first bring my sense of sense of loss and injustice to the Father, and so see the gain I have in Christ that my heart is healed — I’m free from bitterness — I’m feeling peace. Then I can decide whether or not to confront the person — not because I need to get anything off my chest — but to help them.
Does the order of that sound right to you?
Much love to you, brother,
Steve